hey everyone!!!!!!! hows it going??? i no i havent updated in like 3 million years sooooooo here!!!!

actually this weekend has been crap. it all started on thursday with a long story that ended up in me not going over to brads house over a couple of major issues, which were kind of depressing. it wouldnt have been so bad if i hadnt set myself up all week. so that was not so cool. then on friday, i got a call from brad saying that he is going down to a military school in kansas city. the problem is that i cant really tell him how i feel b/c i no how much he hates urbandale, and how much he wants to go to this school. so i was depressed allllllll friday nite. then saturday came and i had a GRRREEEAAAATTTT time with my next door neighbor!!!!! megan maller!!!!!! yay!!!!!!! we went to breakfast and went and got a make over at clinique and then we went to venetian nails to get manicures((and the ladys were really cranky and i have murdered fingers now)) and then we went to victorias secret and wow was that an experience to remember!! hahhaahh then we went out 2 lunch!!! it was awesome!!!!!! yay!!!! the sad part about this is that that was prolly the last time i hang out with her for real. that is sooooooooooooooooo depressing. then when i got home i called brad and he spilled more bad news. he couldnt go on the hayrack ride. my most favorite thing of the whole youth group year ((besides trips)). its b/c he has to work and he is on probation for work b/c he doesnt sit in the chairs ((w/e)). so if he misses he gets fired r something. so that made me majorly depressed. then i had 2 go 2 work. we got done at about 12:15 or so, and i checked my schedule. i am scheduled to work the weekend of fall retreat. my favorite thing at valley church. i was sooooooooo mad and angry and depressed. i went to my car and cried all the way home. then brad called and that didnt really help b/c i just want him to come on the hayrack ride. so i cried myself to sleep last nite b/c of everything. i was so mad. i woke up this morning with puffy eyes and went to church. it was fine!!! then i went to work and....I GOT SOMEONE TO WORK FOR MEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!! yay!!!!!!! so i get to go on fall retreat!!!

but i still feel majorly depressed b/c of the fact that brad cant come tonite. but i think what all of these emotions boil down to is one of my best friends moving. forever. and i no longer have someone who is always next door. and that is such a hard reality to face. so hard. i just want her to stay. shes not supossed to move. shes always supossed to be there. right next door. not some crazy people who i dont no. and just thinking about this makes me want to sob all over again. megan maller...i love you

allie

hey guys so i am updating now k?

wow all i can say is wow. friday was probably one of the most depressing days of my life. i am soooooo not even joking. i think all of you know why. so i wont explain unless asked. matt and i hung out at the mall on friday after the game and that was pretty cool, but i still cant stop being really depressed. and i didnt even know the guy.i didnt even know him. the thing is that i have been so totally upset about this and i really just want to talk to brad about this for a long time b/c he has been thru this but it just seems like he doesnt really care. he called me after school on friday while i was sobbing my eyes out ((ha perfect timing right?)) and was all like oh whats wrong and stuff and i told him and he said that he wanted to hang out and just talk about all of this but then he changed his plans and said that he was going to help his friends justin move. that was totally cool you know, i have no problem with him helping justin move! but then today i tried calling him and texting him numerous times and he never called back until like 8 oclock and he said that he was hanging out with adam. ok fine w/e. so i asked him about my texts that i had sent him and he claimed that for some reason his phone had deleted them. i could totally tell that he just didnt want to talk. ok fine. maybe im just overreacting b/c of how my emotions are right now but idk. ok enuff on him

BAND TRIP TODAY!!!!!!  im not even suppossed to be home right now but our second performance got moved indoors b/c of the rain, so we withdrew from the competition. so we went to coral ridge mall and hung out there for a while. and... we ran into Masko!!!!!! ahhhhh!! that was amazing!!! and......i rode the carousel!!!!!! YYYEEEEEESSSSssssss!!!! that was sooooooo much fun! i was going to get my nose pierced but they didnt have a spot to do it in the mall. so i didnt. but some day... i will just suprise you all with it!!!!!!! mwahahahah! o yea! and we gor 1st place in our first competiton!!!!!! YAY!!!!!!! that was exciting!!!!! angie almost made me cry tho. we were getting ready to go out onto the field and she said do it for neil and i almost started sobbing...again.

it just hurts so much to see people walking around and trying to hide their emotions. i have tried to do that and i still do but there is a point where you just have to let it all out. and i honestly want to tell all of my friends this: i love you all sooooooo much and i know that this phrase gets thrown around a lot but if you EVER need someone to talk to, or are thinking about doing something stupid i am always here and so is God. together we can help you thru it. these are hard times right now for all of us. whether we knew neil or not. but i also ask you to count your blessings and realize how minor our little cat fights and dramas are compared to something as serious as this. it could be so much worse. so much worse. i ask you to just thank God that you are here and that you do have friends that care and worry about you.

and thats about it from me

i love you allllll soooooo much more than you could ever fathom

allie

Currently Listening The Spirit Room By Michelle Branch Goodbye to You see related

ok i cant hold it in any longer...........

BRAD AND I ARE GOING OUT AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ok well this might make you mad. actually most of the people that i have talked to about this say "whatever makes u happy but if he screws up once he is in deep shtuff" including my parents. who APPROVE!!!! wow! i no that one WAS a shocker!!! but i really hope that if u r a true friend that you realize that this decision was not made in like 2 seconds. i did A LOT of praying and asking god 4 guidance and help.

and honestly i feel like i did the right thing. i really do.

youth group was AMAZING tonite!!!!!! i had SOOOOOOOO much fun!!!!!! i really think that this thing at the beginning of youth is gonna be so much fun!!! matt and i have big plans 4 this upcoming year!! SO EXCITING!!!!!!!!

aaaaaaaaaannnnnnnd:

i changed my layout!!!! just in case u hadnt figured that out yet..... so yup! i love it with a passion.......pretty much hahahahahahahah

kk well ttyl! its late!

muchas love!!!!!!!

allie

Currently Listening MMHMM By Relient K My Girls Ex-Boyfriend see related

ok  wow.

last nite after the football game something happened. well actually 2 things happened. first, i was running up to Adam Dingeman at 5th quarter to give him a hug and i scraped my foot up against the landscaping bricks. didnt really think anything of it bc it didnt hurt too bad. sao once i was done talking to him and my friend Chelsea ((i love you and you rock!!! ahahhahha and no you did not look like you had two black eyes! you looked gorgeous! dont worry about what that one dude says he is stupid! hahah)) i looked down at my foot and i was bleeding everywhere. and i was wearing white flip flops. great. so i pick up my shoe and hobbled to the bathroom with Brys. when i got inside i realized that my toenail had come off!!!! yuckie!!!!!!!!  it didnt hurt at all tho. until they put on rubbing alcohol and this neosporin crap!!! man did it KILL!! oh and i washed off my flip flop too!

ok now on to the crap and drama. if you havent read the entry b4 this one do so now.

so i got to 5th quarter and as soon as i got there i saw someone. that would be brad. we avoided each other almost all nite and every once and a while we talked. like when we were around Brys or w/e. but i was standing talking to Austin and Jordan and Aaryn and Kiera and Brad walks over and stands by me. i said I really dont want things to be akward between us... he didnt give me time to finish my sentence bc i was wrapped up in a big brad hug. he says I am soooooo sorry i was being a jackass last nite. i was just being so hostile toward you. i really want us to be friends again. then i told him something that i had been thinking about. you might not agree with this but i think it fits perfectly. i dont like you like i thot i did. not in the way where i would want to be b/f and g/f again. the only thing that i miss about you is the way you went out of your way to make sure i was happy. the little things that you did that just made everything ok. but that is what i miss. not you. he looked at me kinda funny and was like ok! and then after that thruout the nite i was greeted with about a trillion different hugs from brad. i finally asked him why he kept hugging me he said. i am just so sorry that i did that last nite! my mom and i talked about it for like 3 hours and i realied how stupid i was to let my best friend go. i didnt say anything. so we left and i told everyone goodbye and i got another hug from...yup...him. so when i got home i was telling my parents about what happened and then i was getting ready for bed and my cell phone goes off. yup its him. so i get on and he says. i am just so happy that we are friends again! i couldnt let this one slide either. so i said what i thot. brad i have given you so many extra chances. you have confused me to the point of being so confused that i dont even no what to think of you anymore. i think i want to be friends with you again but something else is pulling and telling me that i should just let you go and never speak to you again. i cant decide which one to go with. so we talked about it al little bit more and i told him b4 we got off the phone that i hadnt fully decided yet whether we should be friends or not. he left it up to me. but not w/o telling me what he would do if i decided not to be friends anymore. if u want to no what that is just ask.

i want every single one of you to comment. if you read you comment. with keeping in mind my circumstances and i how i handle things and how i feel about not giving anyone up and leaving them but also if ur being hurt you should leave, i want you to give me advice. i might not necessarily take it. if u cant fit it in a comment box and would rather talk to me call the #. if you dont no them here they are. 2253336 or 5562921. keep in mind that i cant just say something like you suck or i hate you and you have done too much crap. keep it realistic *cough*matt*cough* hahaha j/k i luv you. 

i also wanted to say that despite contrary belief that i am still gong to go to youth group at valley church when i feel like it no matter what i decide to do. just because i have made so many friends there and i wont give that up over one person.

please comment and thanx guys

i really do love you all. 

hey everyone

its another really long one but u have to read it bc it is so important.

well in a nut shell...brad and i dont talk anymore. we sont speak to each other and we certainly dont ever hang out. EVER again. heres the story.

brad just accepted christ back into his life. which is amazing and i am totally happy 4 him on that end of the spectrum. heres the kicker. he accepted christ while we were dating and he was really happy.....for about a week. then he switched back to being his regular self. still telling me that he believed and stuff. but as soon as we broke up, he turned against god again. i was trying so hard to get him to come back to the light side. its kinda worked but not really. now.... he went on a church camp type thing with his school. when he came back he was so frustrated that he came to my work while i was closing and asked me if we could talk. i told him that when i got out we could talk. so we did and i found out that he was very angry bc Trish had accepted christ and he felt betrayed. bc Trish isnt suppossed to have god in her life to make her happy bc brad can make her happy. yea mmhmm right. so i got pissed at him for bringing this up bc when it comes to stuff like that i am very passionate about my faith. The night ended with him feeling a little bit better and me a little bit worse.

so he keeps calling me and basically acting like we r still going out. b4 all of this happened i was practically convinced that i was over him. then my feelings changed again. i was all confused and didnt no what to do. but somthings made my decision to get over him easier.

he told me that Trish has been talking about promise rings. i almost started crying when he told me that. then later in the convo just randomly he tells me that on labor day, he and Trish are going canoeing. guess what brad and i did last year on labor day? we canoed. Things just got worse and i was progressively feeling crappier and crappier. it also didnt help that he thot that maybe later we could get back together. as if he hadnt totally screwed up my emotions already. 

then comes accepting christ. hee talked to our youth pastor from valley church, brandon, about all this stuff with Trish and how he wanted to accept christ. he ended up doing just so . which is good like i said earlier. he also talked 2 brandon about me and how he had been keeping the fact that he and i were talking and we had been hanging out from Trish ((not i dont mean "hanging out" like doing fun things this was like talks and stuff mostly about her)). i didnt no this.but if i would ve he would have told her on the spot from day one. any ways brandon gave him one word "separate." brad didnt understand and i didnt either.

last nite rolls around. i had had a pretty crappy day any way so it just felt good to talk 2 someone who can listen but make me laff 2. we were just talking anout crap and then brad asks me how life is i told him pretty crappy and he asked me why. how do i tell him that it is bc he is just taking me on an emotional roller coaster and i cant figure out whats coming around the corner? how do i tell him the reason i am so depressed is bc of him. the guy who i bend over backwards for and listen to him and i am always there for him and then he put me thru more crap. how do i tell him that? too bad i didnt figure it out. i told him it was bc of band and work and stuff and then i started to cry. he was like u r WAY over working urself and then started lecturing me about how tired i am and how much stuff i am in. and then i told him that i was crying bc of him. bc of all my feelings i mightve had for him but i wasnt sure and how i was mad that i couldnt find a guy right now who can be like him and just listen to me when i need to talk. and he said"i think i finally figured out what brandon meant by separate. he said i really dont like seeing you like this over me. i hate it when you cry especially when its my fault. ur my best friend and i dont like to see you hurting like this. so maybe it would just be better if we didnt talk anymore. i also dont want to lie to Trish anymore." i was just so frustrated and confused with him. i avoided it i said "so everything u said about maybe getting back together was a lie". and he said "i didnt want to hurt ur feelings." then we started talking about the whole separation thing again and then church came up. he said that he would go to grace where his g/f goes and all of his other friends from school. i told him that i wasnt going 2 be going to valley for a while bc of all the memories. then we started in with the whole issues of separation again and he said something under his breath and then told me that he wasnt going to finish his sentence. i told him to tell me and he said he wasnt going to bc it would just hurt me more. i told him that he had hurt me so many times that im sure this would be very mi-nute. that made him mad he says "you know how bad i felt about that and i dont think i will ever be able to forget that" i was like but how is it gonna be in a month or week brad? you will have forgotten everything. he didnt say anything. then i asked him if the reason for wanting to separate was Trish. he didnt say anything again. the last thing he said to me was "have a good life" and we hung up.

as soon as i got off the phone i just sobbed again for everything. how i wasted my time on a guy who i could never be with and how i tried so hard to help him when in the end he never helped me out with anything or any of my troubles. and it all came down to how he didnt want to lie to his g/f. the girl he loved.

more than me.

and it hurts.

i kind of feel better that this burden has been lifted off of me

but i also miss having him around. not as a b/f but someone who knew how to make me smile.

he knew exactly how to make me smile.

and i am still waiting for the guy who knows exactly how to make me smile.

my inside feel like they are going to cave in. i so badly want to be over all of it. i hate how whenever i talk about it i feel like sobbing. but i dont feel like i can sob with anyone bc they dont know brad as the person i do. they see him as a horrible person who did terrible things to me.

so why cant i?

i would really appreciate it if you guys didnt bring up brad around me. you are allowed to comment and please do

this whole thing makes me sound so desperate. and i really am not i just want what every girl wants. a guy who will listen and always be there for her and not think of other girls bc she is the one he is in love with

 thanx for listening